i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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