Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
