"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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