Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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