woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
