Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
