I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
