I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
