Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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