Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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