I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
