I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
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