Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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