Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
