hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize