I'm gonna have a badass scar
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
