Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I wish you could order shots online.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
