Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
