so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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