he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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