Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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