This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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