On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
