I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My vagina is officially offended.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
