I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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