I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
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