just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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