I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
