The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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