Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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