my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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