its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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