In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
