Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
