So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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