At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Randomize
