Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
