I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
