They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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