i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
