I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
