Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
