Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize