If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
