Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
