I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
