are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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