she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
