Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My vagina just recognized that song.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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