this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It's never too late to be topless.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize