You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
