I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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