I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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