Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
