I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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