I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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