i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
