I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
