nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
