she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
