Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
