i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
