i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize