I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
