And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
