im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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