If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
