You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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