i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
